Husbandos… Waifus… serious business. Sometimes I think we forget that Resident Evil a.k.a Biohazard is a Japanese series, home of Otaku culture. One of the more playful aspects to look forward to, or recoil in horror from – though by no means exclusive to Japan, is the notion of a Husbando or Waifu, a claimed character. Not just any claimed character but your claimed character which you are to defend till the end of time, your one, true
make believe love. Or at least till your fickle, fickle heart chooses another. So let’s have a little moment of light-hearted relief, feel the love and have a look at the Top 5 Husbandos and Waifus of the Resident Evil series. Nobody asked for this… but consider yourself welcome.
Albert Wesker… could you ever be the apple of his twinkly, orange eyes? Would you ever be able to be the first priority for a man who it was possible to beat because he was too stupid to take off his sunglasses? Let’s face it. His career is always, always going to come first, and you not at all. Might be worth being on good terms though in case of borrowing his jacket?? That and the whole eradication of humanity thing… poor, silly Excella. It does beg asking as well whether you’d be able to keep him supplied with enough hair product…
With Ada Wong you’ll have the joys of a dissatisfying, long-distance relationship to look forward to, a wardrobe of clothes that will likely squeak when she moves in them and you’ll never even be sure if it’s her real name you’re calling out, pining, desperately as she zips away again. Due to continued exposure to hazardous biological agents in the course of her career she has also grown increasingly and oddly Caucasian as well. This raises alarming questions about future offspring. Let’s face it though, if Leon wasn’t able to, what chance do you have? I must admit, I’m curious if she even has any hobbies that you could join in with. You could introduce her to some perhaps?
I like to think that Barry Burton has a little pouch on his load bearing rig, normally used for carrying ammunition, and in it are a supply of wet wipes. As a doting father and general softy he’d likely be prepared for all manner of boo-boos. He’d be sat there awkwardly, on the corner of the bed, gently polishing the barrel of his oversized weapon. Barry… you’re too good for us, you have the means to unlock our heart – but always you need someone else to do it, Jill perhaps could help?
Ohh Rebecca… Rebecca Chambers. A visage that lights up the rooms of darkened mansions and lends support to the notion of “Behind every great man is a great woman”, Rebecca would be there, encouraging you, checking the nutritional value of your breakfast and working your ass off… Of course Wesker is going to be lurking somewhere which is likely to kill the mood a little – and you possibly. How exactly are you supposed to keep up with such a ball of energy? Would you simply be a project to be looked after?
There are other aspects:
Pros: Always happy to see you.
Cons: Pees when happy.
…Oh dear Rebecca.
Leon S. Kennedy is a man of great adaptability and reduced peripheral vision. You’ll never be able to send him round to your recently, non-native language speaking, immigrated neighbour’s house for sugar either unless you want the poor sod shot. Alas, he can go no further than #3 as knowing that no matter what you do, his hair will always be better than yours is a deal breaker. You’ll always be small time.
Sheva Alomar… beautiful, intelligent and competent. I’m sorry love, you just don’t fit in with the motley bunch of questionably behaving muppets that Resident Evil consists of. Possessing a voice that would be perfect for the reading of bedtime stories to little Shevas and Ch- …nevermind. I’m not too sure about that left handed view in co-op though… Now if she got a spinoff title, maybe that would allow her to shine and show off those execution moves as is so well deserved. Could always try an appearance in Revelations? We’ll be waiting for you. Well… I will…
Nemesis: Strong, stoic, dependable. He’ll always be around whether you want him to be or not. Not the greatest conversationalist admittedly but the possibility for star gazing is at least there if you can convince him to put the rocket launcher down for a bit. Go on, let yourself get lost in the moment, point up to the night sky aaaaaaand “sstaaaaarrrrrsssss” – he’s a sweetie really… Those tentacles too… the doujins write themselves…
Jill Valentine: Expert S.T.A.R.S. Operator, one-woman ammunition factory and largely devoid of personality. Truly one for the industrialists. Together you’ll be able to corner the munitions market and seize the means of production – and the day in the event of crisis. To be fair though, the amount of times I shot her during the Wesker fight in Resident Evil 5 she has to be something of a sympathy inclusion for me. Poor lass… here’s hoping she’ll get a chance to shine in the future with greater intensity than a 10W bulb. That wardrobe though… damn… Maybe the Master of Unlocking did the trick on your heart?
Christopher Redfield is the endpoint. The pinacle of human perfection. Enemy of boulders and insatiable devourer of proteins, his wardrobe is matched only by the sweet, vacant innocence that plays across his face, a vessel devoid of thought. A true aesthetic beauty… and Resident Evil’s Ultimate Husbando. Would it be possible to pull him away from his mission? Would you be able to match him in supporting it? Why does he always look like he’s trying to remember if he left the oven on?
Claire Redfield: [Insert author’s grunting sounds here] How can someone that shares the same genetic stock as Chris “Boulder” Redfield not be the Ultimate Waifu? They can’t. She’ll give you her jacket to keep you warm, put up with your bullshit as the world crumbles around you and together you’ll ride off into the sunset, cast against a warm, nuclear scorched Raccoon City. Surely you can offer her the support and smile to remind her all the hard work is worth it.
And so the sound of clashing steel has subsided, the banners wave tiredly in the wind and the dust has settled, another needless rating of characters has occurred and tempers possibly stoked across age old divides. You’re welcome and I hope at least it made you smile a little. After all, as much as we may choose a series like Resident Evil to be scared or shocked, we are still there to have fun as well.